; thinking of you.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

4:28 PM

It's an hour and a half before I leave for the airport.
And already, I'm homesick as I sit in my chair and roll around the room, pushing the ground with cold feet, clutching the computer with sweaty hands. Not even at the airport, and I'm beginning to dread and anticipate it. Fear, for the homesickness that will claim me the moment the plane lifts into the air. Joy, for what I know will be a fantastically amazing holiday.
Fear, that I will miss this place and the three most important, non-living things in my life: the toilet, my computer and my guitar.
Above anything else, my guitar will be sorely missed. The feel of its six strings, the deep sound reverberating from it, the polished wood beneath my fingers. On it; songs of bands that I have strummed, and even, verses depicting stories of my own fabrications (albeit, lousy songs - I seemed to have been denied the gift of songwriting). And so, I have packed my pick along, to strum on my own imaginary guitar on lonely days.
And my Zen too; for the moments of laughter it can bring, for the movies, and for the music of my most beloved bands.

And so this house will remain for twelve days; vacant and alone.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

1:04 PM

And so it begins.
The inexorably painful wait.
Five days - till the lights of the tall buildings and shiny cars and heat of the heavy air melt around me, into the emptiness of the mountains and soft grass, and the chill of the weather.
This trip, this journey, long anticipated for months since last December. And yet, dreaded by those around me, who fear the change it might bring. Their dread is even stronger than that of mine, a despiser of change of all forms.
Perhaps some of them carry visions of a new me: some sort of alienated monster; standoffish, reclusive and devoid of humanity. I can only scoff at their concerns, for they think that it is New Zealand that will change me.
Yes, it will have sort of effect on me. But morphing from the old me, to the new one, was not brought on by New Zealand. It was not brought on by the people around me, for I have had people surrounding me my entire life.
It was me.
I decided to change.
So this, ah, transformation will be brought on by none other than myself. I shall change if I wish to, yet it is not as easy as it once used to be. Already, I find traces of this skin (that I wear with such ease) seeping into me.
Call it an identity crisis. Me, myself and I, on a journey to find a lost soul to sew onto the insides of this body/vessel.
Though I may come back on the eleventh unchanged, it will not matter. To find one's soul, is, perhaps, a search that will last a lifetime.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

5:05 PM

A quiz that I stole from Jessica's blog, who stole it from Joelle. Muahaha.

1. What do you do when you're mad?

I don't do anything, really, except swear. In private, of course.

2. What's the worst thing you've done when you're mad?
Uh. The last time that I was really mad was a really long time ago. I think I shouted. Yeah, I shouted.

3. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?

Ha. Like I could ever be so scary.

4. Ever physically hurt someone when you were mad?
Haha, no. But I'd trash things.

5. Do you curse when you're mad?

Is there a time when I never curse?

1. Last time you cried your heart out?

Oh. Hum. Pretty long ago. My tear ducts seem to have dried up recently.

2. Ever cried yourself to sleep?

Oh, yeah.

3. Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?
No. I hate crying in public.

4. Do you cry when you get an injury?
Hardly. Being rather accident prone, I've sort of gotten used to it.

5. Do certain songs make you cry?

Yeah.

1. What's the worst thing you've done to someone else?

Um. Hurt them, I guess. Not physically, of course.

2. How depressed can you get?

As low as anyone can possibly go. And I take a long time to resurface again.

1. How much/when do you smile?

Depends. I smile alot when I'm watching movies.

2. What can make you happy?

Home. Renee. My guitar. The abolishment of school. Free movies and books.

3. Do you wish you were happier?
Well, yes. But it pays to be normal, too. When I'm happy, my grades go all weird.

4. What about being with your friends? Does that make you happy?
It depends. I like being alone.

1. Have you ever loved someone so much, that you'd die for them?
well, yeah. My family.

2. Did you ever love a person, and tell him/her that you love him/her?
Um. Yes.

3. Have you ever loved someone so much, that it made you cry?
uh. how so?

1. Have you ever hated anyone that broke your heart?
ha, no. I haven't gotten my heart broken. Not yet.

2. Do you hate Bush?
Ha, no. He has done things that I don't agree with, but he's also done some good for America. And not being an American, it's not my place to decide if he's good for the country or not.

1. Do you have low self esteem?
I guess so.

2. Do you believe in yourself?
I guess so.

3. What do you say when people say they think you're good-looking/pretty?
I get all weirded out and screw up my face and go, Huh??!

4. Are you one of those idiots who think ugly dumb fat?
Unfortunately, yes.

5. Ever wanted to kill yourself because you thought you werent good enough?
Ha. No. Never.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

10:08 AM

Yesterday, my mom asked me why I couldn't do something meaningful in my life.
Fine, she didn't ask me; she sort of snapped at me angrily.

I try, I really do try.
Yet, what is deemed as meaningful?
My idea of altruism has always been something along the lines of helping the poor; like the kids in Africa, orphans in Cambodia. Doing something for the good of Mankind was what I thought of as meaningful, something to make the sufferings of others easier.
And that has always been my dream. To find a cure for cancer - any type of cancer - and help thousands of people all over the world. To spare the victims the pain of such vicious cancers, and to spare their loved ones the grief of their passing. And I vowed to dedicate my whole life to researching it, because I knew that one lifetime was not enough to discover a cure. At least, in that way, when I finally die, someone else can pick up where I left off, till the cure is found.
Yet, for all the ambition my dream presents, I cannot even will myself to offer a helping hand to the immediate people around me; people I actually know. Why am I helping pure strangers, and in turn, neglecting those who are my friends, those who are my family?
I could call up a friend right now, and cheer her up, laugh with her all day long.
But I don't.
Or I could arrange an outing with friends who so desperately need to go out.
But I don't.

At the end of the day, maybe there is no clear distinction between what's meaningful, and what's plain silly. Maybe it's just about what's right, and what you can't be bothered to do.

Monday, November 06, 2006

9:39 PM

If you love something, let it go.
If it was meant to be, it will come back to you.

I've seen these lines everywhere; television commercials, Meg Cabot books, posters plastered on the doors of toilet cubicles. And I have never failed to believe in them.
For some unfathomable reason, I've an extreme affection for cliches. Nevermind that they're cheesy and completely overused, I love them all the same. Perhaps, it's because I believe in them, unlike many other people. If they're used so often, they've got to have at least an inkling of truth in them, no?
I'm a hopeless romantic. And no, I don't mean it that way, I mean it as in - I sort of live in a world of my own, where reality's just an illusion. And in this world, cliches are words of wisdom (sort of), words that I hold complete faith in.

And yet, when it boils down to actually experiencing it, everything just goes all wrong. Where's the sense of fulfillment, the joy of having done a good deed?

To love something so much, and yet to have to let it go - it feels like hell.

Sometimes, it's wrong to let go of things so easily. Okay, fine, all the time. No one should give up just like that. But honestly. Would you let it go, if in the process of persevering, someone so important to you keeps getting hurt, over and over again?

And at the end of it all, you end up alone as ever, back to the very beginning from which your pathetic soul first started out from.

I never thought that cliches could get so twisted.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

10:22 PM

Everyone's doing this.
Posting about one oh four, feeling the nostalgia.

SCGS was never like this, no? We changed class every year, and after a while, it sort of just numbed our senses. Made us immune to the system, mechanical beings that swapped classes unfeelingly, unsmilingly, dry and devoid of tears.

Yet, it's different here. One oh four exudes so much love, it's hard to stay as cool and collected as before. For eleven months, we threw things at each other, pinched people's cheeks, yelled all over the place, screamed the house down, tripped over our own shoes, cried in frustration, sobbed in joy, laughed in hysterics, teased each other, swooned over hot guys. Friendships were forged and broken, only to be remade again, at the very end. Peculiar things weaved bonds between the most unlikely people. Secrets were kept and spilled; smiles were shared and passed on. And we did all these things together, as one class, one family.

And can we truly say that our class is uninteresting? We've got the most eccentric people - funky, wacky and a little crazy they may be, but we love them all the more. A myriad of flavours we formed as people from all walks of life, we united under the waving banner of the one oh four flag; we went through purgatory and came out unharmed and untouched, but still very much together.

This strange, wacky, loving, funny class of ours - is it a wonder that it breaks my heart to let go of it?

Inevitable as the separation is, we've no choice but to just it go. Like a dove between desperate, tremulous fingers, free it and pass on the love that we've learned, to the people who need it more than we do.

I'm moving on, but I'm taking all my memories with me.

- A last dedication to our lovely class.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI0TNbxGaFA

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

9:19 PM

Doing this quiz at the request of Alfredo. I somewhat doubt that I will have as fascinating results though.
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesnt make sense.
4. Tag 5 ppl at their tagboard to ask them to do this!
5. Bold the questions and with the answers, give your own comments on how it relates to the questions.

How are you feeling today? Five Colours In Her Hair (what's that supposed mean?!)
How do your friends see you? My Valentine (hoho - I'm flattered)
Will you get married? Love Makes the World Go Round (wahaha - i suppose that's a yes, right?)
What's your best friend's theme song? The Ghost of You (er, okay. that's ... enlightening.)
What was your primary school like? Love Me Tender (scoff. far from it.)
How can you get ahead in life? Miss Independent (whoa, honestly! that about sums it all up.)
What is the best thing about your friends? I'll Stand By You (hoho! how appropriate!)
What song best describes you? Who's David (ah ... I see that my future love life will be .. interesting.)
What song will they play at your funeral? Save Me (hahaha! that's hilarious.)
How does the world see you? Mirror Mirror (hmm. mirror, eh? like, what? I give false impressions, instead of what one truly is inside?)
Will you have a happy life? Say A Little Prayer For You (um. that's very reassuring.)
What do your friends really think of you? Jailhouse Rock (haha! haha!)
Do people secretly lust after you? Dream A Little Dream (ohoho. now what's that supposed to mean, eh? huff.)
How can I make myself happy? All You Need Is Love (damn right about that.)
What should you do with your life? Perhaps Love (finally! I finally got it, muahaha.)
Will you ever have children? Loner in Love (huh. um. I guess that sums it up, doesn't it?)

What an enlightening quiz! The misty veil upon my enigmatic future has been lifted!

It's pretty lame, but it's fun.