; thinking of you.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

6:32 PM

Perhaps, when I draw my last breath, it will be alone, as I lie in a hospital bed, swathed in sheets as the tv glares in the dark, muted.
Perhaps, I will die with fright and despair embedded in me, as the car in which I sit, plummets into a tree; and the windscreen smashes, and I am lost forever.
Or, perhaps, I will die, without even knowing I have left. I could close my eyes to go to sleep, and never wake up again.

And all these, I thought of, as I shot up from the bed, shattering coughs, laboured breaths, as spasms of pain raked across my chest.

I cannot say that I do not fear Death. I'm a wuss, and I get frightened by lots of things, and above all things, Death. I'm afraid I will never watch Renee grow up, never graduate from university, never see my parents blossom as peaceful old age starts to catch up on them.

I'm afraid my life may be snatched away from my very fingers, before I can find my place in the world.

No words can describe the overwhelming fear I felt that night. Frightened thoughts, that I would close my eyes and never wake up; not even realising I was dead. Thoughts of how they would find my corpse the next day, how life would go on without me, how people would forget they ever had a sister, a friend, a daughter.

With this fear grasping my mind, I cried myself to the dark abyss of dreamland.

I woke up the next day, with amber sunlight streaming through windows, cool, morning air caressing clammy fingers.

And I got up, brushed my teeth and went to eat my breakfast.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

9:40 PM

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you.
And everything that you do,
they were all
Yellow.

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things that you do
And it was called
Yellow.

- Coldplay

'Our Song', as Lynnie proclaimed it. And I remember, that last day, when we wandered around with my mp3, one earphone in her ear, the other in mine. I remember that day, as we hugged each other over tangles of wires, faithfully listening to Yellow. And I remember, as Yellow thumped softly in our ears, when the tears came.

What is a hug to you? What does it feel like? Perhaps, you may be one of those who give and receive them so often, it's like drinking water.
I was never one to receive hugs, much less give them. It may be my dislike for having such close contact with other people besides my family. Or perhaps, it's more like I never once thought of giving them.

What can a hug mean? What is a hug supposed to mean?
A source of comfort, perhaps, from a friend to another. I never thought much of hugs. I once scoffed at them, thinking of them as a juvenile way of expressing care and concern. But maybe it was because I was afraid to give them.

Have I ever asked for a hug? No. I don't think so. Why? I don't know.

But last year, something made me realise that hugs meant so much more than they actually seemed. It made me think of hugs as something that was actually good, not grossly juvenile. And maybe it was this that finally made me realise that if I left SCGS, I was going to be missing out on a lot more than I'd thought. Missing out on friends I'd known for years, friends whom I took for granted, friends who were like family.

It took me six years to realise that.

But all the forms were filled out, and the results announced. And all I could do was just hug, hug and cry.

Never in my life, did those hugs feel so important.

So I'm writing this as a tribute. A tribute to the memory of my friends, to the memory of a life I once lived. A tribute to the regret and sorrow, and to the realisation that maybe friendship isn't that overrated after all.

And it was all yellow.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

11:36 PM

Love lifts us up where we belong.
Perhaps some may recognise it, from a famous song. Who sang it, I don't know. What's the title, I have no idea.
One third of all the songs in the world are love songs. Or maybe even two thirds. Heck, even All American Rejects sing about love. What is love, if it is not all around us?
And what's this ridiculous obsession with love? Perhaps, I am infatuated about the idea of love itself, not about experiencing it. I've never been in love. Then why do I believe in it so strongly? Why do I long for it with every fibre of my being?
Why are we humans? If humans do not love, then what is the point of living?

Love is everything and anything around us. You were born out of your parents' love. The parquet floor on which you rest on was born out of the love of a tree. The house in which you sleep in was born out of a contractor's love for money.
Love may be an evil. It may be lonely, desperate, dangerous, destructive. But isn't it all worth it? Isn't any type of love worth fighting for, with all your heart? Albeit, the love may be out of deceit, for the gain of cold, hard cash. But it is still love, nonetheless.

A post, again, about love. About the greatness of love. Repetitive.
Yet, why?
Because, once upon a time, I watched a movie called Moulin Rouge. Half a decade ago, I watched it. I discovered a thirst, a thirst for love.
And finally, I found the movie back in my arms just days ago. And as I watched it, again and again, something in me reawakened. And as I wept my heart out over this tragic love story, that thirst - it was finally quenched.

The art of films. How can I deny the power of films? Moulin Rouge was haunting, vivid, intense and so very bohemian. And I cried my heart out for it, because I believed in their love so strongly, I believed that it would truly last forever.
And it did.

And maybe, that was what I was looking for. That something so great actually existed (albeit in films) and perhaps, one day, I would finally reach it, in the realms of the unbelievable.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

3:11 PM

stolen from joy's friend's friend's blog.

Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18 and find line four:
"Who's handsome Ton?" I asked.

Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What can you reach?:
The window.

What was that last thing you watched on TV?:
Desperate housewives.

Without looking, guess what time it is:
3.18pm.

Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?:
3.14pm! close enough.

With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?:
Pussycat Dolls' buttons. Urgh. My sister.

When did you last step outside?:
six hours ago. i came back from grocery shopping.

What were you doing at home?:
well, I'm at home now. Trying to study chemistry, but instead going around looking at blogs. Until I came across this.

Before you started this survey, what did you look at?:
Lynnie's blog.

What are you wearing?:
a shirt and shorts.

Did you dream last night?:
hmm. yeah. it had something to do with munich.

When did you last laugh?:
when renee slyly poked sara continuously.

What is/are on the walls of the room you are in?:
air conditioner remote, some posters of mcfly and others, light switches. windows. little insects.

Seen anything weird lately?:
tien li acting.

What do you think of this quiz?:
getting tired of it.

Last film you saw?:
Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest.

If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?:
A thousand books and a huge library!

Tell me something about you that I don't know:
i'm in a craze for moulin rouge.

If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you change?:
poverty in third world countries. rampant diseases being spread among them, easily curable in Singapore. it's terrible.

Do you like to dance?:
uh. definitely not hip hop.

George W. Bush?:
not too sure. sometimes I just can't stand the guy, but at other times, I get impressed. or maybe it's because I'm easily impressed.

If your first child were to be a girl, what would you call her?:
uhh. natalie? natasha? lynnette?

If your first child were to be a boy, what would you call him?:
mmm. david? james?

Have you ever considered living abroad?:
oh, never. ever. i can't stay away from home for more than a month.

What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?:
we have a FANTASTIC library here, with all the books in the world!
and since I'll be dead already, I'll actually have time to finish reading every single one of them.

4 people who must do this in their blog?:
ha. anyone who reads this. it's aimless, yet a little fun.

profile.

rachel sim.
seven-oh one-ninety three.
fifteen.
~~scgs.~~
rafflesian!
guitar ensemble!
blogskinner bubblewrap.
loves her guitars.
loves her books.
loves music, both oldies and contemporaries.

loves maroon 5, my chemical romance, coldplay, mcfly, deathcab for cutie, queen, clay aiken, five for fighting, the eagles, elvis.

loves stardust, star wars, lotr, v for vendetta, babel, romeo and juliet, emma, gone with the wind, CRASH, Moulin Rouge, Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Pianist, Back to the Future, Walk the Line, The Departed

loves friends. and chandler bing.

loves david rocco, nigella lawson and JAMIE OLIVER.

links.