What was I twelve months ago? Who was I? Where was I?
Twelve months ago, I was Rachel Sim, of Singapore Chinese Girls' School, 6sy, green team. Twelve months ago, I was cramming for the Primary School Leaving Examinations, desperately clutching mandarin textbooks in a futile attempt to learn chinese. I was sad, depressed. I was the bookworm, I was the nerd. I was the O Knowledgeable One, according to Sarah Tan, an honourable title that I failed miserably to live up to. I was the one sneaking books underneath the desk during Maths class, the one perusing magazines for Star Wars photos, the one who lugged thick books to recess and sat reading and stuffing away at the same time. I could speak, an average about ten words a day, on good days. And by good days, I mean days when I held in my hands, a wonderful, wonderful book. I shuffled down corridors, stained my skirt crimson-red, and sat with books piled high beneath my desk.
And then there was New Zealand. An experience that changed the Rachel Sim of 2005, the immature, childishly stupid imbecile, who thought too much of herself and too little of others.
But I didn't just lose my immaturity. I lost everything that was me.
So who am I now?
Now, I am known plainly as the girl who loves English. I am the girl whom people see as cute, not at all introverted, the guitarist, the one who manages to surprise everyone during Speech and Drama, for some unfathomable reason.
Why have I become so? Why do people now call me friendly, nice, vibrant, adorable? What has made me become such a person, someone who cries along during soppy taiwanese dramas, someone who cooes over cute chinese guys, someone who does such retarded, twisted and completely unexpected things (especially during drama)?
Perhaps, I will return one day. The real me, the someone who's sole reason for living is books.
Because I want her back. I don't want to be in this strange, foreign body any longer. I wish I could just wish away all these feelings and turn back into who I once was.
And so, I'm going back to New Zealand. Not just for the beautiful mountains, the placid lakes, the rolling green hills. I'm going back to find me. And I'm not coming home without her.