Be composed - be at ease with me ...
Not till the sun excludes you do I exclude you,
Not till the waters refuse to glisten for you
and the leaves to rustle for you, do my
words refuse to glisten and rustle for you.
I wander all night in my vision ...
Bending with open eyes over the shut eyes of sleepers,
Wandering and confused, lost to myself,
ill-assorted, contradictory,
Pausing, gazing, bending and stopping.
-Noah Calhoun
A dream. Perhaps, my greatest wish.
Sadly, it's not an act of altruism, of helping the starving children in Cambodia, of giving to those in need. That is my ambition, yes. But it's not what I'm living for.
What I search for, what I hope for, happens to be much more self-centred. I wish I could be the benevolent one, the one whose dreams would revolve around helping the poor, dedicating a lifetime to poverty-stricken young children. I wish I could be the righteous person, the one who believes in justice and fights for all that stands for it.
But I'm not.
Instead, my dream is simple, yet complex, convoluted. I just wish for that someone to make me happy for lifetimes to come.
The search could be said to be fruitless. Over a billion people on this globe, and yet, I wish to find the single person, that one man who can bring me such joy? Impossible, it seems. Yet the realm of possibility is forever evasive. I could meet him one day, accidentally spilling coffee over his shirt. Perhaps we meet in the lift, me in my sweaty gym gear, him in his school uniform. Or we could sit next to each other in the MRT, sleepy heads lolling over each other's shoulder.
The search is short, it's tedious, it's disappointing. Sometimes I cry, wondering when, if, this person will ever chance upon my miserable life. But then I rejoice again, when I see him, when I think of Someone.
I could search my entire life and not find him.
But somehow, I think I will.