; thinking of you.

Monday, January 23, 2006

8:39 PM

Fine. This is the second time I posting in less than the same hour. But something suddenly crossed my mind.
Don't you think it's funny how people sort of never miss what they have until they lose it?
Scratch that. It's not funny at all. It's plain sad.
I miss New Zealand. I remember when I was in NZ, all I could think about was going home, typing, strumming, lying in my own bed again ...
And now, all I can think of are the mountains, the cool air, the beautiful lakes that I shall only get to see in December.
I hate that I should feel that way. I hate that after reading so many meaningful books, I still haven't learnt how to appreciate things.
I was blind to Someone all along, and when I left, I finally realised what I lost.
I never fully appreciated all my great friends in SC and now that they're gone, I regret not getting to know them better.
I didn't appreciate the ease in which I could lose myself in all those words, in all those stories I wrote, and let hours pass by as if they were seconds. And now, I've lost that ease and comfort. It's like I can't pick up where I left off anymore.
And now, I really regret that I ever mentioned Someone in the first place. Because now ... never mind. I hope Sara isn't reading this. She better not be.

8:25 PM

I don't know.
I don't know if I should cry when I hear 'I Want to Spend My Lifetime Loving You' again on my computer.
I remember I loved that song when I was five, I watched Zorro over and over and over and over again just to hear the song.
And when I heard it on the radio, I would be ready to start crying.
I don't actually know why, but I have this strong liking for ballads especially from soundtracks of movies.
I'm going off point.
I don't know if I want to write anymore. I'm ashamed of that story I wrote last year, the Tara one. I hate it, I hate the title because it's so unoriginal, I hate everything about it.
I've got all these ideas, so many, so many ... but I can't put them down. Once I type them out, everything goes wrong. What colour should her hair be? Should she be shy or plain bitchy?
Are these even the questions I should be asking myself when I'm writing? Shouldn't I be asking, Why am I writing? Who am I writing for? WHAT am I writing?
I really don't know. I want to be proud of what I'm writing. I'm so happy with my stories when I'm halfway through them, then when I finally finish them, I want to cry because I can't believe what I'm writing. There's no meaning most of it. I try to throw in the grief the person feels, the joy she experiences, the beauty she appreciates. But ...
Maybe I try too hard.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

9:32 PM

I was reading it again. The stupid chinese one where the words are vertical and give me a headache.
Anyway, the one I read today was about this woman who got a chain letter in email and how she must send it to twenty-five people and her marriage will last for eternity and stuff, and the title is 'Reasons that men love their wives so'.
(translated from chinese, so it might sound a bit weird - all of the Them are referring to the wives, it's from a man's point of view). Some of the reasons are funny and nice, but some are insulting. Some are sweet and funny, and some are plain stupid.
1. Even if they put on perfume or not, the wives will always smell nice.
2. They always seem to be hanging around your shoulder, resting their head someplace on your arm or something like that.
3. They always give you wonderfully warm hugs.
4. Whenever they kiss you, the world turns upside down, and everything they do, in your eyes, can only be right.
5. They way they eat is extremely cute.
6. Whenever you wish to go out, they always take forever to get ready, but it's always worth it, because whenever they come out, they look absolutely wonderful.
7. Even if the temperature outside happens to be below ten degrees, they always happen to be full of warmth.
8. No matter what they wear, they always look beautiful.
9. They'll always look for ways to earn your praise (stupid).
10. The way they argue is really cute.
11. Their hands always seem to be holding yours.
12. They smile so beautifully.
13. Whenever you finish quarrelling with them, you always feel so guilty and everything you see seems to have their name stamped across them.
14. They'll always say, Let's not quarrel again ok? And just one hour later ...
15. Whenever you do something for them, they'll always kiss you.
16. Whenever you say 'I love you' to them, they'll always kiss you.
17. The truth is, just because they kiss you, nothing else matters.
18. Whenever they cry over stupid things, they'll always come apologizing to you.
19. Whenever they beat you or hit you, they mean it.
20. Whenever they beat or hit you, and it hurt, they'll always apologize (but we'll never admit that it hurt)
21. Whenever they cry, they'll come rushing into your arms.
22. They'll always say, I miss you.
23. You'll always miss them.
24. Whenever they cry so badly, you'll always desperately want to change anything in the world just to make them happy.
Like I said, some are extremely sweet, like the last one. And this is what our future-husbands think of us. I just found it really funny when you put everything into chinese and read it for the first time, like I did.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

9:32 PM

I just finished one story in the Chinese Chicken Soup for the teenage soul.
Why does everything end badly in that book? Why is it that everything story is about love, and the couple always end up breaking up?
That is so depressing.
Sigh. I feel so sad when I hear people say that they don't believe in love. Like Nicole. It's sad that they don't believe that such a beautiful thing can exist, and that they're missing it.
Is there such a thing as too young to fall in love?
How would you know? How would anyone?
I think there's no acceptable age to fall in love. When you fall in love, you just do. It's something so precious, that it doesn't matter what fucking age you are.
But I guess that those people who think that there IS such a thing as too young to fall in love, they do have a point. If you're so young, you don't even know whether it's true love you have or some sort of sick lust. If you're so young, you'll make all sorts of stupid mistakes you know you'll never make if you were older.
But if everyone thought that way, there'd be no love in this world.
So I guess it all depends on how you think. I think that you can fall in love whether you're six or ten or fifty, albeit, the sooner the better.
I'm having those Urges again. To read something romantic yet meaningful and that other urge, which I shall not put in here because I think it might disgust those people out there, who believe that we're too young to fall in love.
Why do people think that way?

Sunday, January 15, 2006

11:38 AM

How many times a day do people stop what they're doing, and muse about the things that they'd done in their life?
I don't know. Most of us are too busy to even think about it.
But I was listening to Hoobastanks' The Reason today, and it really jogged my memory, back to two years ago, in P5 when I first heard it on the radio.
Then it fast-forwarded all the way through P5 and P6 and to where I'm standing now.
And I realised, that I haven't done ANYTHING good at all, either for me, for my friends or my family.
I'm still a stupid introvert, who sucks at cca interviews.
I'm still a terrible friend.
I still haven't written a proper story that I'm proud of.
I still haven't done anything good that might remotely benefit the world.
I still haven't become a wonderful sister to Renee.
What am I doing with my life? I just wasted away thirteen years of it; flushed down the toilet bowl.
I don't know. Maybe part of the reason that I haven't done anything, is because I'm too afraid. Yet another thing I have to get over. My cowardice.
I'm such a huge failure. I'm not even as hardworking as Sara or as cheerful as Renee or as outgoing as Lynnie or as energetic as Jess. I'm just ... me.
And it seems like that isn't enough.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

10:30 PM

Every single, day, when I wake up, I think to myself: Oh no. Today's a school day.
Even on Saturdays and Sundays. I wake up at six am in the mornings because my body's so used to waking up at six on weekdays; it kind of defeats the purpose of sleeping in.
I'm sorry to say that I happen to wake up on the wrong side of the bed everyday. Why is it that I never have a single happy thought when I first open my eyes to a new day or whatever?
Why is it that people with cancer or leukemia or diseases feel so happy just to be able to see the dawn of a new day, while I, dread it?
It's sad the way people take things for granted. By the time we learn just how important certain things are to us, it's way too late.
But I guess that no one stops taking things for granted. That's just why we're called human.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

12:06 PM

I officially turned thirteen yesterday.
Not that it's such a big deal, really, but I still think it's important, how you turn into a teenager and how you come out of teenagehood.
Well. I had orientation camp yesterday so I spent three-quarters of my birthday forgetting it was my birthday and at exactly 12 midnight yesterday, we were in our sleeping bags watching Parent Trap and Priscilla and Samantha and Wen Yan and Rach wished me happy birthday so .. that's a start I guess, three new people wishing my happy birthday. I'm actually making friends.
Why is it that majority of all teenagers always have so much pent-up angst inside them? I don't get it. Maybe I will, in a few years, and I'll be asking myself, Why did I ever say that about angsted-up teens?
I'm not feeling too good now. I'm sad that I spent my birthday worrying about the dirty toilets in rgs and just about three hours celebrating it with my family.

Monday, January 02, 2006

11:18 AM

Second day of the new year and I don't feel any better.
I still happen to be brooding over Akkarin and Sonea, but let's put that aside. I'm getting sick of hearing myself think about it.
It seems like just yesterday when Jess and I were mooning over Star Wars in May. 2005, apart from having to study like mad, has probably been one of the best years in school. I think I've probably come a long way from Primary 5, and looking back, I'm kind of ashamed of some of the things I did back in 2004.
I think that I've kind of matured a little bit from the start of P6.
I never actually make New Year Resolutions because I know that I never ever fulfill them but you know what? I just have one thing I want to get straight this year.
I want to mature. I want to stop thinking like a silly twelve year old and start thinking with an actual brain. I wish that I could become mature in a way that I would never make petty judgements, make up lame excuses and become someone who always sees both sides of the issue.
Maybe this will be a repeat of the last time, you know, the unfulfilled goals that I never tried hard enough to reach.